PRINCETON MAN EXAMINES OWN PRIVILEGE: FINDS NONE

PRINCETON MAN EXAMINES OWN PRIVILEGE: FINDS NONE

Tad Wilshire has led a life of hardship, devoid of any privileges, according to a new study by Princeton University freshman Tad Wilshire. His findings were presented in the Princeton Tory, an esteemed campus paper known for conservative views and never trolling for attention.

Mr. Wilshire’s findings are so monumental that his story was quickly picked up by FOX News, The National Review, numerous blogs, and even The New York Times.

The study was began when Mr. Wilshire was told to “check your privilege” during a conversation about why people on welfare are so lazy and poor. “It really felt like people weren’t valuing my opinion simply because of who I am and my background,” Mr. Wilshire explained. “I felt about as important as a chef working in Wilson dining hall.”

So he found out more. During exhaustive research that lasted over two hours, Mr. Wilshire discovered that his great-grandparents were, in fact, killed in the Holocaust. “I can really relate to my ancestors’ persecution, because I never even got to know them,” he said, adding “It really resolved the question; because I’ve never gotten to know anyone who is poor, I really understand their struggles as well.”

A CHALLENGING ROAD TO SUCCESS

As an upper-class white male, Mr. Wilshire has suffered through the indignities of being unemployed while attending Princeton University. The $60,000 price tag forced the Wilshire family to have at least one awkward conversation before finding scholarships.

“That was a tough 45 minutes,” Mr. Wilshire explained. “We were talking about dipping into my trust fund. I can’t remember how much it was, but it seemed like a lot of money to my parents.”

Further research revealed even more hardship that Mr. Wilshire had to overcome. Mr. Wilshire soon discovered that his upbringing was actually made possible because his father, Ronald Wilshire, worked hard.

According to Tad Wilshire, “The Wilshire family has earned everything I have – not only our money and lily-white skin, but also our deep persecution complex.”

He added, “On reflection, it was really hard growing up. I wanted to spend more time with my father. Since he was always working, I filled my time with afterschool activities: debate club, crew practice, trumpet lessons, SAT classes, volunteering at the Historical Society… Working to fill that void made me the success I am today.”

WHITE MALE PERSECUTION EXISTS TO THIS DAY

Mr. Wilshire’s research revealed that anti-white male bias affects everyday life for thousands of Princeton students. In one example, a male student living in Patton Hall passed out in a women’s bathroom, because the men’s room was totally full during a rugby team party. The University and Campus Security decided to make an example of him; the individual was sentenced to 3 months probation.

“I absolutely believe I got a harsher sentence because I happened to be a man passed out in a woman’s bathroom. If a female student was that inebriated, I seriously doubt there would have been any consequences,” the student said.

(The source wished to remain anonymous because it may reflect poorly on his chances of getting a summer internship).

STRUGGLING TOWARDS A BRIGHTER FUTURE

Tad Wilshire has been unable to find work this semester, saying he is “just focusing on my studies, and interviewing for summer jobs.” In spite of all the forces working against him, this Princeton Man’s resilience paid off: in April, Mr. Wilshire secured a summer internship at the Manhattan Education Institute, a think tank dedicated to improving the self esteem of white men, and combating the forces of self-reflection.

Sadly, dozens of Princeton Men will not be so fortunate.

“I am really proud to be taking an internship at the ME Institute,” Mr. Wilshire said. “I really had to leverage all of the resources in my dad’s company, the Career Center, my professor’s connections, and my roommate’s father who is on the board to be able to earn a spot there.”

Sadly, because the position is an unpaid internship, Mr. Wilshire reports that he expects to face further hardship: having to ask his parents for money next year. He noted “It’s really tough that I may have to ask them for more money, but I think it’s worth it to work for something I really believe in.”

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